3 weeks ago today I underwent a bilateral mastectomy and tissue expander placement #AtTheSameDamnTime. In hopes of avoiding future disease, my young age, and because of the stage of my cancer, I elected to have both breasts surgically removed . The surgery aims to remove all breast tissue that potentially could develop breast cancer. An expander is used to prepare the breast area for reconstruction by slowly stretching the area and making room for an implant. I am currently at home recovering which is a WAY more daunting task than I expected. Besides the obvious physical discomfort and pain, I have been a lot more emo these past few weeks than I was during my chemo treatments for 6 months. Like I said before, my body reacted amazingly well to chemo and my side effects were minimal (THANK YOU GOD). However this process of removing my breasts have hit me hard! This grieving process is real…
It took me almost 2 weeks to look down or look in the mirror at my breasts…or lack thereof. I was afraid to see the difference. I was scared to come to the grips with the fact that I have….EXCUSE ME… H A D cancer and the rest of my life will just never be the same. My hair, eyebrows and lashes have already started growing back but I will NEVER have my breasts again. Even with a reconstruction, I felt like the lowest of the low. With popular culture seemingly fixated on women’s breasts, it’s no surprise then that losing them can have a devastating effect on one’s self esteem. On top of the fact that I wont ever have my perky, authentic sets anymore, there is still a chance that the cancer can return in the future even tho I got both breasts removed *Le sigh*
I’ll pause the “woe is me” rant and begin the positivity. ALL of these thoughts, concerns, fears etc have been stalking my mind for the past 3 weeks and will probably linger for some time. However I recognize coping with my new body will be a process. Communicating with loved ones and being patient will make all the difference in my recovery. I am sure mourning the loss of my breasts will get easier as time passes but I will learn to accept that my breasts do not define who Deniece is. After all I am the #CancerSlayer so I can legit do A N Y T H I N G ! ! !
